The Layman’s Lexicon to Real Estate Copywriting

Many thanks to the experts, enthusiasts and wary home buyers who have learned the real meaning of real estate prose to contribute to this handy guide

Early viewing recommended –  it’s gone already

An exciting opportunity has arisen – in shock news, we have a house available

Recommended viewing – the pictures are horrible, aren’t they?the fertility room

Priced to sell – I’m getting sacked if this doesn’t sell

Up-and-coming area – might not be horrible in a decade’s time

Increasingly popular area – horrible, but lots of people are as desperate as you

Great for young families – bare earth; school and playground should be finished by the time thee kids are at university if the developer gets his bridging funds

Popular area – you can’t afford to live here

Sought-after location – only rich migrants can afford to live here

Deceptively spacious – not spacious

Cosy, cute as a button – too small for your large screened tv

Perfectly sized – humans can barely fit in this. Fine for Hobbitsis this a toiletsitter rather than a bedsitter

Bijou – humans cannot fit in this

Compact- cats cannot fit in this

Charming – doesn’t have stairs but extra pole and step ladder

Quaint – doesn’t have windows or doors

Rustic- doesn’t have a roof

Indoor-outdoor flow – has front and back doors

Mature garden – large gum tree dominates outside; needs felling before it fells the house

Bright and sunny – no trees, no flowers, no curtains, glare from concrete and motorway lights

Fully fitted kitchen -good, you won’t need to provide your own sink and the wall oven is so high it’s never been used

WC / bathroom/ensuites – there’s a toilet, but we call it a WC because it makes it sound slightly more upmarket than just us saying the word toilet but no ventilation Great view – you can see it every time you sit on the WC / toilet

Elegantly proportioned – all the rooms are as small as each other

Great use of space – no idea how they managed to fit a bed in there

Three bedrooms –two singles at a pinch and at a squeeze you can sleep sideways in there

A building with a lot of history – you mean it was a gang house? Is that blood?don't mind the horse, he doesn't eat muchjpg

Full of character – full of mice or mould or a hungry horse

Superbly presented – P lab’s decontaminated, stuck some daffodils in a jug,vacuumed, got home staging company in and borrowed the brown ‘designer’ sofa from the open home next door

Studio apartment – sounds better than a flat

Studio apartment – bed in the kitchen, next to the toilet

Studio apartment – cupboard

Split-level studio apartment – there’s a bunk beddesigner 2 home

Mezzanine sleeping area – shelf with a mattress

Designer home – not quite what I had in mind

Architect – went to university

Carpotect – builder who played with lego

Boasts – has

Benefits from – has

Comprises of – has

Full of surprises – feature pillars suddenly appear. Are they keeping the building up?

Easy access into the city – it’s not in the city

Close to transport – House is beside the railway lines; horse available

Ideal for first-time buyers  – hello suckers have I got a deal for you?

Unique Design – it was designed by MC Escher and decorated by a psychopath

Original features – nothing has ever been repaired

Minimalist – basically a hollow shellbathroom2

Modernist – the walls are at right angles

Neoclassical – no idea what this means but it sounds fancy

Classical – Italian, Roman, Louis XVI, Egyptian

Art deco – nope, not a clue but its roughcast

Rococo – we just like the sound of this and rich migrants might like it

Bauhaus – I’ve got one of their albums somewhere I think

Well appointed  – yeah, we’re just saying random words now

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