Many thanks to the experts, enthusiasts and wary home buyers who have learned the real meaning of real estate prose to contribute to this handy guide
Early viewing recommended – it’s gone already
An exciting opportunity has arisen – in shock news, we have a house available
Recommended viewing – the pictures are horrible, aren’t they?
Priced to sell – I’m getting sacked if this doesn’t sell
Up-and-coming area – might not be horrible in a decade’s time
Increasingly popular area – horrible, but lots of people are as desperate as you
Great for young families – bare earth; school and playground should be finished by the time thee kids are at university if the developer gets his bridging funds
Popular area – you can’t afford to live here
Sought-after location – only rich migrants can afford to live here
Deceptively spacious – not spacious
Cosy, cute as a button – too small for your large screened tv
Perfectly sized – humans can barely fit in this. Fine for Hobbits
Bijou – humans cannot fit in this
Compact- cats cannot fit in this
Charming – doesn’t have stairs but extra pole and step ladder
Quaint – doesn’t have windows or doors
Rustic- doesn’t have a roof
Indoor-outdoor flow – has front and back doors
Mature garden – large gum tree dominates outside; needs felling before it fells the house
Bright and sunny – no trees, no flowers, no curtains, glare from concrete and motorway lights
Fully fitted kitchen -good, you won’t need to provide your own sink and the wall oven is so high it’s never been used
WC / bathroom/ensuites – there’s a toilet, but we call it a WC because it makes it sound slightly more upmarket than just us saying the word toilet but no ventilation Great view – you can see it every time you sit on the WC / toilet
Elegantly proportioned – all the rooms are as small as each other
Great use of space – no idea how they managed to fit a bed in there
Three bedrooms –two singles at a pinch and at a squeeze you can sleep sideways in there
A building with a lot of history – you mean it was a gang house? Is that blood?
Full of character – full of mice or mould or a hungry horse
Superbly presented – P lab’s decontaminated, stuck some daffodils in a jug,vacuumed, got home staging company in and borrowed the brown ‘designer’ sofa from the open home next door
Studio apartment – sounds better than a flat
Studio apartment – bed in the kitchen, next to the toilet
Studio apartment – cupboard
Split-level studio apartment – there’s a bunk bed
Mezzanine sleeping area – shelf with a mattress
Designer home – not quite what I had in mind
Architect – went to university
Carpotect – builder who played with lego
Boasts – has
Benefits from – has
Comprises of – has
Full of surprises – feature pillars suddenly appear. Are they keeping the building up?
Easy access into the city – it’s not in the city
Close to transport – House is beside the railway lines; horse available
Ideal for first-time buyers – hello suckers have I got a deal for you?
Unique Design – it was designed by MC Escher and decorated by a psychopath
Original features – nothing has ever been repaired
Minimalist – basically a hollow shell
Modernist – the walls are at right angles
Neoclassical – no idea what this means but it sounds fancy
Classical – Italian, Roman, Louis XVI, Egyptian
Art deco – nope, not a clue but its roughcast
Rococo – we just like the sound of this and rich migrants might like it
Bauhaus – I’ve got one of their albums somewhere I think
Well appointed – yeah, we’re just saying random words now